updated 08/25/2015 AT 8:16 PM ET
•originally published 03/01/2014 AT 9:35 AM ET
MTV’s show abandons the usual pomp and circumstance in favor of some unorthodox touches. Tucked in among MTV’s prizes for movie of the year and best female performance are more-ridiculous honors – best shirtless performance, for example.
These bonus categories allow films that aren’t quite Oscar-caliber – Twilight, ahem – to walk away with their own, albeit different, gold statuettes.
Sensing 2014’s Academy Award contenders were tired of missing out on all the fun, we’ve gone ahead and predicted the results for this year’s Oscars – if the award show were to loosen up and adopt MTV’s kookier categories.
Best Shirtless Performance
Honorable Mention: While she’s not truly shirtless, Amy Adams’s gravity-defying dresses from the same film certainly deserve a shout-out
Winner: 12 Years a Slave’s ruthless Edwin Epps, played by Michael Fassbender
Honorable Mention: Captain Phillips’s pirate leader Abduwali Muse, portrayed by newcomer Barkhad Abdi
Winner: Nebraska’s subtle, stubborn performance by Bruce Dern
Honorable Mention: Jonah Hill’s Wolf of Wall Street chompers
Honorable Mention: Wolf of Wall Street’s “age is nothing but a number” smooch between Leonardo DiCaprio and Joanna Lumley
Best WTF Moment
Winner: The Wolf of Wall Street’s quaalude-fueled crawl to the car, starring Leonardo DiCaprio
Honorable Mention: The rest of The Wolf of Wall Street
Best Scared as S––– Moment
Winner: The second half of Gravity, also known as Sandra Bullock vs. outer space
Honorable Mention: Cate Blanchett’s fall from the high life in Blue Jasmine
Best On-Screen Duo
Honorable Mention: Dame Judi Dench and Steve Coogan’s mother-son pairing in Philomena
Winner: Tom Hanks’s pirate-foiling skills in Captain Phillips
Honorable Mention: Dallas Buyers Club’s rodeo-loving leader Matthew McConaughey
Winner: Almost any meal that Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep sat down to in August: Osage County
Honorable Mention: Bradley Cooper’s scuffle with Christian Bale’s hairpiece in American Hustle
Best Musical Moment
Winner: Samantha’s sweetly musical relationship “photograph” in Her
Honorable Mention: Leonardo DiCaprio’s wiggly wedding moves from The Wolf of Wall Street
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The 86th annual Academy Awards, hosted by Ellen DeGeneres, airs Sunday, March 2, at 8:30 p.m. ET on ABC.