11/26/2013 AT 9:00 AM ET
A life of crime isn’t for everyone. You have to have verve, tenacity, and most of all, some modicum of intelligence. The criminals (in some cases, alleged) below may have the first two qualities, but they were sorely lacking in the third. They’re the Dumbest Criminals of 2013.
The Woman Who Handed a Waitress Her Own Stolen ID
What’s the lapse in brain activity it takes to hand a waitress her own ID – the same one you stole from her weeks earlier? Better question: What is the lapse in brain activity it takes to hand her said stolen ID when you’re 26 years old, with your own ID that proves this? How did this woman make it to 26 without these problem-solving abilities?
Richard Farrell, Best Mailman Ever
Richard Farrell was a mailman who didn’t like delivering mail very much, so he buried 159 tubs of it in a trench on his property (dug with a backhoe!). What he couldn’t bury, he simply decided to burn. This, of course, was after he spent all day at the bar instead of going on his mail route. And people say the civic sector lacks dedication.
The Rise and Fall of The Bradford Batman
Deandre Irby, Ninja Troubadour of the Midwest
If your June nights consist of hanging outside of an Iowa City gas station playing guitar, leave your samurai sword at home. While you’re at it, ditch your throwing knives. Yet even after police relieved Deandre Irby of those items, they still found a flask of powder Irby identified as “probably cocaine.” Pro-tip: Know what kind of drugs you have on your person.
Man Who Left Birth Certificate and Note From Mother at Scene of Crime
We’re unsure of why someone who’s made the conscious decision to pursue a life of purse-snatching would carry around their birth certificate with them, and even less sure as to why they’d carry a note from their mother. But Zachary Tentoni, 26, managed to drop both of those items when he (allegedly) mugged a young woman in Dorchester, Mass. in June. What, no Social Security card and passport as well?
Man With Full-Face Tribal/Skeleton Tattoo
Here’s a list of occupations a full-face tattoo would aid: Member of the Insane Clown Posse, understudy guitarist in a Kiss cover band, professional child-scarer. Burglar, though? Not so much. Particularly in southern Illinois, where people with facial tattoos are in an easily-identified minority.
The Guy Who Punched a Cop Thinking It Was a Halloween Costume (It Wasn’t)
If you’re out fighting people on Halloween, it’s probably best to error on the side of caution and not punch someone dressed as a cop. Or a werewolf. Just on the off chance that they happen to actually be a cop. Or a werewolf.
The Guys Who Tried to Rob the Home of a Professional Ax-Thrower
There’s no way the men who decided to burglarize Robin Irvine’s home could have known she was a professional ax thrower. And they might’ve remained blissfully unaware of that fact, but for trying to take the watch off her wrist while she slept. Irvine woke, and chased the men out of her house with the tomahawk she keeps by her bed, but elected mercifully not to throw it at them as they fled. “I hit what I aim for,” she told NBC Los Angeles.
Runners Up: Anyone Who Pocket Dialed 911 While Planning or Committing a Crime
Everyone’s sent a pocket dial and everyone’s received one. But it takes a special kind of stupid to call the cops, with your butt, while you’re in the middle of committing or planning a crime. And it happened so many times this year. Seriously, everyone, just set your phone to auto-lock, and don’t put it in your pocket before it goes black.