12/26/2013 AT 8:20 AM ET
12/24/2013 AT 2:10 PM ET
It’s official: Nothing can stop hobbits and dwarves from ruling the box office. Not even Ron Burgundy.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug earned $31.5 million last weekend, beating Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues and making Peter Jackson’s adventure-fantasy film No. 1 at the box office.
But where do the film’s characters rank in our completely unbiased and impartial hotness ratings? Let’s find out.
While the idea of an Elvenking sounds hot, Thranduil is not. Rather, he comes across as a creep who thinks he’s way hotter than he actually is – no offense to actor Lee Pace, who plays him in the movie. Plus, Thranduil’s lack of hospitality, friendship and goodwill toward the dwarves when they entered his kingdom makes him even more of a dud.
We’re sure Gollum was a very nice Hobbit once upon a time, but now that he lives his life in pursuit of a ring he’s a lot less cute.
Oin’s flowing beard is long, but decidedly well-kempt and occasionally features elaborate braid work. This dwarf, played by John Callen, clearly cares about his appearance and makes a real effort to look nice, even when using an ear trumpet.
Smaug the dragon (voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch)
Sure, he’s a dragon and thus scaly and greedy with terrible fiery breath, but he’s voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch
, which dramatically improves his attractiveness.
6. Thorin Oakenshield
As the son of Thrain and the grandson of King Thror, Thorin has royal blood running through his dwarf veins, and who isn’t a sucker for royalty? Richard Armitage portrays Thorin as calm and collected even in the face of goblins, trolls and orcs. Admirable qualities in anybody.
While Bilbo has shed much of the whininess, persnicketiness and cowardliness that were the hallmarks of his character in the first film of the trilogy – thank you, Martin Freeman
– the corrupting power of The Ring is doing Bilbo no favors on the hotness scale.
4. Bard the Bowman
Luke Evans, John Bell, 2013
Noble, true and not hard to look at, Bard the Bowman lives up to his name, armed with a bow and shooting his black arrows where they are needed. Luke Evans plays the future King of Dale – and he really knows how to wield his arrow, if you know what we mean.
Kili isn’t called the hot dwarf for nothing. As played by Aidan Turner, Kili is attractive enough to capture the heart of Evangeline Lilly
’s elf, Tauriel. Kili’s lack of facial hair kind of makes you wonder what is lurking beneath the long beards of his dwarf brethren.
Because Legolas is a shimmering white elf – played by Orlando Bloom
in a killer flowing blond wig – in a sea of bedraggled worn-out travelers, he wins. However, he doesn’t land in first place due to a technicality: Legolas isn’t supposed to be in The Hobbit
at all, but since Peter Jackson decided to add him to the movie, of course he’s to be ogled and ranked.
What can be said? Power is very attractive, even though Sir Ian McKellan’s character appears to have not washed his hair since the Third Age.
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