updated 07/18/2012 AT 12:05 PM ET
•originally published 07/18/2012 AT 8:00 AM ET
This was not how Tom Cruise expected his life to be.
The 50-year-old megastar, who was blindsided when his wife of five years, Katie Holmes, filed for divorce on June 28, “was thinking, ‘What did I not see?’ ” a source who knows the former couple tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story.
Especially tough: His month-long separation from 6-year-old daughter Suri, which finally ended when the pair reunited on July 17 in New York City.
What took so long?