updated 06/07/2011 AT 7:00 AM ET
•originally published 06/07/2011 AT 8:15 AM ET
I could probably go on for hours, writing about all the emotions I felt while watching the third episode of The Bachelorette.
I had feelings of nostalgia, excitement, hurt, betrayal and embarrassment. Stepping aside from the fact that I was visibly emotional throughout the episode, I could not stop watching. I was glued to the screen and even though I lived it, I quickly learned that I did not know many things that were being said when I wasn’t around. As I watched, I found myself both laughing and crying.
At the cocktail party last week, you heard Ben C. tell me that if there was ever a dance date happening again, he’d love to be a part of it. I was so excited knowing that I had a flash mob date coming up, and Ben C. was the perfect guy for that date. From the first night I met Ben, I loved his energy and intelligence, so I was happy to see such a fun, carefree side to him as well. What a great sport Ben was! I put him on the spot by having to dance in the middle of the Americana at Brand mall, but he showed unwavering focus to do the moves correctly despite all the distractions around him.
Having Far East Movement perform while we had our first kiss was pretty memorable, too!
The idea of a roast for a group date was a great one. I told the guys to “bring it on,” and the more insults the better. What I didn’t know was how far they would take it, or how sensitive I would be to certain subjects.
Knowing how funny William was, and how close I felt we had gotten on our first date, I was looking forward to his roasting the most. My thoughts on roasting someone you care about are that you have to find an equal balance of being funny and complimentary at the same time. You must use good judgment in this situation. It hurt me that William did not use great judgment. I thought he would shine most. However, people make bad decisions, and in my heart I still knew he was a guy with good intentions. I wanted to give him another chance and another rose.
This episode was a huge turning point in my view of Bentley. Throughout the first two episodes, I was very surprised by the things he said, but a part of me still looked for the good in him, and wanted to, once again, give him the benefit of the doubt. After watching this episode, I can’t help but feel betrayed, lied to, and made a fool of. I know many people wonder why I kept him around after the warning I got.
People may speculate I was attracted to the “bad boy,” or maybe they thought I wanted what I couldn’t have. The truth is that I always look for the good in people, and I saw that in him. I only knew what he showed me, and I felt it to be real at the time. I can tell you that from the bottom of my heart, I don’t remember ever feeling this depth of hurt and embarrassment. Unfortunately, it’s not the last you will see of Bentley.
I had a date with JP the night that Bentley left, and I felt terrible that he would have to see me in the state I was in. At that point, I felt him to be one of the most sincere, down-to-earth guys, so if I were to have a date with anyone that night, JP would be the best guy.
The date was sweet in every sense of the word. We ordered Chinese food, and had dinner by the fire. I can tell you a couple things that happened on this date that you didn’t see. We opened a fortune cookie that said something along the lines of “patience will be rewarded sooner or later.” We laughed because at the last cocktail party, I told him to be patient with the process. Another behind the scenes tidbit about my date with JP is that I actually fell asleep on this date while cuddling with him. It turned out to be a very sweet night.
Thanks for watching!